My mother passed away unexpectedly the other day. A beautiful, vibrant, young woman called home far too soon.
The pain you feel when you lose the person responsible for your very existence is indescribable.
It’s immeasurably painful.
You cannot know true sadness until you lose someone that molded you into the person you have become.
And the wounds open up when you least expect it.
There are no words of comfort when you lose someone who was your first home. Who nurtured you and nourished you selflessly to become the person you are today.
No words can take away the pain you feel. No words can make it better.
I look at my own three children and I quietly weep. They lost a grandmother. A woman who loved them with every fiber of her being and I cannot bring them comfort.
Sure, I can tell them she’s in heaven, that God needed to call his beautiful angel home. But that doesn’t take away the loss. It doesn’t make her loss any less painful or easier to deal with.
Because, lets face it, no one will ever understand why God finds it necessary to call anyone home. And while there may be some relief in knowing … she is still gone.
The words “she’s still with you” don’t bring the solace that well meaning people intend. I cannot see her smile, hear her laugh, or smell her scent and feel her arms embrace me.
None of those comforts are mine to have, ever again.
It’s almost Mother’s Day, and while I have my own children to make me feel loved and appreciated. I have no mother to thank. I’ve lost part of my sense of self.
Some days, I don’t even want to get out of bed and soldier on. My children need me, and I feel for the day that one day will come for them.
No one should feel this kind of pain. It’s not fair. I want to protect my daughters from it, but I cannot. One day, they too will experience this sorrow.
While their sorrow will be different from my own, as everyone’s is. I know how it hurts and I cannot be there to comfort them. Just as my mother cannot be there to comfort me for the first time.
I am grateful, though. That the depth of love I feel for and from my mother is so real. I was so loved as was she. And I can take comfort in knowing that the love I felt is the reason I feel her loss so strongly.
She was a beautiful, selfless person who made me into the woman I am today. And while I will never get over no longer having a mother, I will get through it.
Things will return to a new normal. Mother’s Day cards, the sight of people doing things with their moms will become easier to deal with.
I will never be the same woman without my mother. But, I will become a stronger woman. More sorrowful, yes, but one day I will be able to laugh and smile again.
One day, I will be able to talk about her without tears streaming down my face.
Until then… I will weep and allow myself to transition into who I am becoming.
So, if your mother is still here, hold her close. One day, you’ll be talking to a mound of dirt as well. And for that, my heart weeps for you.
None of us are promised a tomorrow.